November 23, 2004:
Reports are mounting: the 700 Cub
has wreaked havoc on core values in the land of Fupppsylvania. "Reverend I. Pet Myson has been calling the shots in a long planned
attempt to take over all branches of the Government," wrote veteran
reporter James Seesitall in
"And now that the elections are over (until final recounts are in),
he's been urging his whole televangelical flock to deluge the newly
designated Commander-of-Chefs, and members of Parliament, to be sure
that all his tenets are upheld in the years to come."
"'We have been given a mandate by the people!' the
Commander-of-Chefs announced just after his opponent called to cede
the election. And now, the Reverend is revving up his
followers to make sure the right wing agenda is carried out."
The article goes on to warn
that no one who is gay should be sanguine at this perilous time.
"It is quite possible that the old animosities toward gays will
reemerge in the atmosphere of fear this administration perpetuates,"
Seesitall went on, and added, "While polls have shown the
population has grown increasingly accepting of same sex unions, the
Reverend is pitting his followers against the trend, aiming to
change laws back to far less open times. Firm believers are
labeling same sex NIPtuals as 'the work of the devil,' and those who
practice them, 'sinners, evil-doers we need to round up and stop!'"
What is this fear about? We gathered denizen's opinions in the
world of this post-election time in an attempt to understand.
church looking for salvation as its priests and coffers fight
rising charges of pawtophilia (inappropriate pawing of young
pups by adults), the Reverend I. Pet Myson has been striving for
ever increasing audiences, and ever increasing donations.
Lawsuits have been expensive, but he has been so successful that no
priest has had to dig into his own pocket to defend himself in
court," asserted a passenger from London whom we'd stopped at the
"What do you make of
this?" we asked. "I find it outrageous that this same church
whose own leaders exhibit same sex behavior choose to brand others
as deviant and morally abhorrent when they actually want to practice
the most moral of behaviors -- NIPtuals. So what if it's same
sex? At least these folks are filled with the idea of mutual love,
commitment and a great deal of caring. How dare
I. Pet Myson punish well-meaning folk like this?"
Speak o' th' pot callin' the kettle black!" added Harley Houndly, a
basset standing nearby.
Getting back to
what's behind the fear, and might be motivating gay-bashing, Sylvia
Weymouth, a large mouth bass in the water near the spot where we
were conducting our interviews, burbled, "Personally, I think
perhaps the Reverend himself, like so many who show extreme
intolerance toward gays, has the same leanings but is afraid to come
out of the closet."
We will be bringing
you more de-tails from FUPPPSYLVANIA.
Stay tuned. For now, send your
letter of support for same sex NIPtuals to us today!
FUPPPS Editorial Board