FUPPPSYLVANIA, November 23, 2004: Reports are mounting: the 700 Cub has wreaked havoc on core values in the land of Fupppsylvania. "Reverend I. Pet Myson has been calling the shots in a long planned attempt to take over all branches of the Government," wrote veteran reporter James Seesitall in today's Fupppsylvania Gazette.  "And now that the elections are over (until final recounts are in), he's been urging his whole televangelical flock to deluge the newly designated Commander-of-Chefs, and members of Parliament, to be sure that all his tenets are upheld in the years to come." 

The article continued, "'We have been given a mandate by the people!' the Commander-of-Chefs announced just after his opponent called to cede the election.  And now, the Reverend is revving up his followers to make sure the right wing agenda is carried out."

The article goes on to warn strongly that no one who is gay should be sanguine at this perilous time.  "It is quite possible that the old animosities toward gays will reemerge in the atmosphere of fear this administration perpetuates," Seesitall went on, and added, "While polls have shown the population has grown increasingly accepting of same sex unions, the Reverend is pitting his followers against the trend, aiming to change laws back to far less open times.  Firm believers are labeling same sex NIPtuals as 'the work of the devil,' and those who practice them, 'sinners, evil-doers we need to round up and stop!'"

What is this fear about?  We gathered denizen's opinions in the pre-modern world of this post-election time in an attempt to understand.

"With the church looking for salvation as its priests and coffers fight rising charges of pawtophilia (inappropriate pawing of young pups by adults), the Reverend I. Pet Myson has been striving for ever increasing audiences, and ever increasing donations.  Lawsuits have been expensive, but he has been so successful that no priest has had to dig into his own pocket to defend himself in court," asserted a passenger from London whom we'd stopped at the Chunnel station.

"What do you make of this?" we asked.  "I find it outrageous that this same church whose own leaders exhibit same sex behavior choose to brand others as deviant and morally abhorrent when they actually want to practice the most moral of behaviors -- NIPtuals.  So what if it's same sex? At least these folks are filled with the idea of mutual love, commitment and a great deal of caring.  How dare I. Pet Myson punish well-meaning folk like this?"

"Right, guv!  Speak o' th' pot callin' the kettle black!" added Harley Houndly, a basset standing nearby. 

Getting back to what's behind the fear, and might be motivating gay-bashing, Sylvia Weymouth, a large mouth bass in the water near the spot where we were conducting our interviews, burbled, "Personally, I think perhaps the Reverend himself, like so many who show extreme intolerance toward gays, has the same leanings but is afraid to come out of the closet."