DOES AN ANTI-GAY CANINE DAD DO WHEN HIS SON FALLS FOR A MALE B*TCH?
Flounder Town, Fupppsylvania,
April 19, 2004: While we were investigating rumors of
the threat to take over Fupppsylvania's homelands and media (see
editorial, Homeland in Peril), we decided to find out more about
the inhabitants of the capitol, Flounder Town, just adjacent to the
castle of Fupppsylvania's
sovereign, Liege Lord Hanford.
yapping at us nonstop
when they heard we were writing stories about folks in the area.
The most heartwarming snippet, perhaps, is the tail of a father and
son at odds due to gender bias.
"Howard Peel, our
most important barrister, got really hot under the collar when he
found out his son, Hughie, is gay," Sandra Whimslett, barmaid
at "The Snug Pug" told us. A number of gay dogs at the bar concurred. "Sandy's got it right, quire," Elliott Gooding,
young dog-about-town said.
When we pressed the
pack for facts, Gooding, acting as spokespooch for the group, spun
out the story. "Guv'ner Peel was on his way to court last week,
trotting along, happy as you please. When he was about a block
away, Woofie Newton, a real trouble-maker he is, sidled up beside
him, sly-like, and said, 'Ave you heard about your son, Guv?'"
"What are you going
on about, Woofie?" Hughie's unsuspecting Dad asked. "Hughie
has a new girl friend. Only she's a he. Name's Alfred,"
Woofie told Mr. Peel.
The elder Peel
allegedly shrank back, a paw flung up to his open jaw. "I
don't believe it!"
"Believe it, guv!
Hughie and Alfred have been getting it on for months now, and they
plan to get NIPtualed in June." According to Gooding, Woofie
was enjoying his moment. It seems when they were pups Hughie
always got picked for car chase and other prestigious sports teams,
while Woofie was lucky if he made it to the dumpster diving squad.
"Well, that very
night," Gooding went on, "Guv'ner Peel thought he was
facing a royal wigging* with Hughie.
He confronted the lad straight on. 'What's this I hear about
you and ... who was it, Alfred? What have you been up to?'
"Hughie knew the jig
was up," Gooding continued. "'Dad, I .. I was afraid to tell
you, but I've fallen in love with Alfred. We want to be
married this summer. He's a really good girl. You'll
love him. He knows all the best places for bones, and he's
really a good hunter. But the best part is, he really loves
me, too. Please, Dad, give him a chance!'
"'I don't know what
to say, Hughie,' the old man said. 'Are you sure you two are
really in love?'"
Dad. Alfred is smart, funny and I just love him.'
"'Well, if you love
him, he must be all right. But what will your mother and I
tell the neighbors? And what will I tell the other
"'Just tell them your
son found his mate for life. And be happy for us,'" Gooding
related that a now teary Hughie replied.
As of this writing,
the good barrister has accepted his son's choice, and he and the
wife are planning a family outing to the lake, where the intended
bride will have a chance to really get to sniff about his in-laws, as they
get to know him.
Those around the bar
are very happy at the outcome. "We are thrilled to see this
very conservative man stand up and accept his son for who he really
is, and embrace the bride-to-be. At this time of threat to our
country, it is more important than ever for all of us to stick
together. The stronger we are as a country, the better we'll
be able to fight off those who want to buy our up lands and take
over our media."
*tongue-lashing for our US
FUPPPS Editorial Board